In Our Response Lies Our Growth and Our Freedom

Being a psychic, and having done a LOT of readings, especially regarding relationships, I cannot tell you how many times I have repeated the following words … “You cannot control what another person does. You only have control over how you respond to it.” 

This does not have to be a spouse or partner. It can be a friend, a parent, a child even, who feels the need to control the relationship and will do so with emotional and/or verbal abuse. It may be a co-worker who intimidates or manipulates a situation to their own benefit, throwing others under the proverbial bus.  It can be a boss who berates his employees daily, keeping them in constant fear of losing their jobs, while taking credit for everything they do.  Sometimes it is as simple as a friend who takes advantage of our generosity, constantly zapping our energy without giving anything in return.  

All of these things we tend to take internally, and it ends up eating us up inside. Letting these things keep hold of us will steal our joy and happiness, our peace of mind, and even our health. 

Sometimes we choose to stay in relationships where the other person makes us feel worthless yet keeps us by instilling the idea that we couldn’t survive without them. And we stay because we often feel we can change them.. Sadly we cannot. Or worse, we believe them. 

Women especially seem to have a tendency to be unable to let things go when someone does something hurtful to them or someone they love. It’s almost like an instinct to want to fix it, change it, or try and put a stop to it. However, there are many times when we just cannot, and the more we try, the more we hurt ourselves. If someone is determined to be mean, hateful or cruel, nothing you can do will change them.. No amount of begging, crying, pleading, bargaining or threatening will change a person who does not see a problem with his or her actions. 

Here are a few tips to help you move past these toxic people; or if you can’t move past them, (i.e. spouse, parent or child), at least live more peacefully with them. 

        Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control over what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You give consent when you allow the behavior to continue. 

It is often said that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.  When someone consistently treats you badly, you simply need to walk away. It is not worth your time, energy and especially your health to allow this person to take up residence in your mind and your heart. 

I believe that well known holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl is the best example of this.. He said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  During his time in the concentration camps Frankl came to understand and accept that “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

I realize that sometimes that is easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with a close family member, a spouse or friend. However, walking away is rather simple. Do not engage, do not react, and do not let the situation bring you to a complete halt. Walk away and know that this is a reflection of the other person, and really does not have anything to do with you, unless you allow it to.  Challenge yourself to be the change. 

Typically people who feel the need to control others have no control over themselves.  A person who needs power and control, and will not stop until they get it, is usually someone who is deeply afraid of life. Fearful people can only have things their way. Not being in control scares them to death and they will take any action necessary to alleviate that fear.  

        Forgiveness is for you more than for the other person. You do not have to go back and be in that person’s life again, you simply have to let go of the anger and move forward.

There is an old saying that I simply love.. “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” That sort of gives a new meaning to that now doesn’t it? But what is the true meaning of that statement? 

 

Some people believe that if they forgive a transgression, abuse or hatefulness, they are weak, accepting or owning the problem. In reality, it’s just the opposite. You do not have to return to that place, or allow the person back into your life. You don’t even have to speak your forgiveness out loud to them. You simply have to make the decision, in your mind and in your heart, to forgive. 

Forgiveness allows you to move past the hurt and let your heart heal. It will release you from the grip of the negativity, and the harmful effects of it. 

Don’t waste words on people who deserve silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing. 

I often find that silence is the one comeback that cannot be argued, and will generally resonate the loudest. A person who is used to confrontation, or some other type of response, will be knocked off guard when they do not receive that response. Sometimes that alone is enough to begin a cycle of change in the relationship. Sometimes it will take more than once.. but it might happen. And even if it doesn’t, you will be happier in the silence than you will ever be in the chaos. 

The only keeper of your happiness is you. Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth and your attitude.

No one can give you permission to be happy, except you. You can let the negativity eat you up and keep you living in a place of sadness and anger, or you can choose to be happy. Yes, it is a choice. Choose to see the good in any situation. When you are faced with adversity, find something to be grateful for.  Remember, the other person is usually facing demons we know nothing about.  Say a little prayer for them as you walk away, and always count your blessings!