In Our Response Lies Our Growth and Our Freedom

Being a psychic, and having done a LOT of readings, especially regarding relationships, I cannot tell you how many times I have repeated the following words … “You cannot control what another person does. You only have control over how you respond to it.” 

This does not have to be a spouse or partner. It can be a friend, a parent, a child even, who feels the need to control the relationship and will do so with emotional and/or verbal abuse. It may be a co-worker who intimidates or manipulates a situation to their own benefit, throwing others under the proverbial bus.  It can be a boss who berates his employees daily, keeping them in constant fear of losing their jobs, while taking credit for everything they do.  Sometimes it is as simple as a friend who takes advantage of our generosity, constantly zapping our energy without giving anything in return.  

All of these things we tend to take internally, and it ends up eating us up inside. Letting these things keep hold of us will steal our joy and happiness, our peace of mind, and even our health. 

Sometimes we choose to stay in relationships where the other person makes us feel worthless yet keeps us by instilling the idea that we couldn’t survive without them. And we stay because we often feel we can change them.. Sadly we cannot. Or worse, we believe them. 

Women especially seem to have a tendency to be unable to let things go when someone does something hurtful to them or someone they love. It’s almost like an instinct to want to fix it, change it, or try and put a stop to it. However, there are many times when we just cannot, and the more we try, the more we hurt ourselves. If someone is determined to be mean, hateful or cruel, nothing you can do will change them.. No amount of begging, crying, pleading, bargaining or threatening will change a person who does not see a problem with his or her actions. 

Here are a few tips to help you move past these toxic people; or if you can’t move past them, (i.e. spouse, parent or child), at least live more peacefully with them. 

        Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control over what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You give consent when you allow the behavior to continue. 

It is often said that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.  When someone consistently treats you badly, you simply need to walk away. It is not worth your time, energy and especially your health to allow this person to take up residence in your mind and your heart. 

I believe that well known holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl is the best example of this.. He said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  During his time in the concentration camps Frankl came to understand and accept that “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

I realize that sometimes that is easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with a close family member, a spouse or friend. However, walking away is rather simple. Do not engage, do not react, and do not let the situation bring you to a complete halt. Walk away and know that this is a reflection of the other person, and really does not have anything to do with you, unless you allow it to.  Challenge yourself to be the change. 

Typically people who feel the need to control others have no control over themselves.  A person who needs power and control, and will not stop until they get it, is usually someone who is deeply afraid of life. Fearful people can only have things their way. Not being in control scares them to death and they will take any action necessary to alleviate that fear.  

        Forgiveness is for you more than for the other person. You do not have to go back and be in that person’s life again, you simply have to let go of the anger and move forward.

There is an old saying that I simply love.. “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” That sort of gives a new meaning to that now doesn’t it? But what is the true meaning of that statement? 

 

Some people believe that if they forgive a transgression, abuse or hatefulness, they are weak, accepting or owning the problem. In reality, it’s just the opposite. You do not have to return to that place, or allow the person back into your life. You don’t even have to speak your forgiveness out loud to them. You simply have to make the decision, in your mind and in your heart, to forgive. 

Forgiveness allows you to move past the hurt and let your heart heal. It will release you from the grip of the negativity, and the harmful effects of it. 

Don’t waste words on people who deserve silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing. 

I often find that silence is the one comeback that cannot be argued, and will generally resonate the loudest. A person who is used to confrontation, or some other type of response, will be knocked off guard when they do not receive that response. Sometimes that alone is enough to begin a cycle of change in the relationship. Sometimes it will take more than once.. but it might happen. And even if it doesn’t, you will be happier in the silence than you will ever be in the chaos. 

The only keeper of your happiness is you. Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth and your attitude.

No one can give you permission to be happy, except you. You can let the negativity eat you up and keep you living in a place of sadness and anger, or you can choose to be happy. Yes, it is a choice. Choose to see the good in any situation. When you are faced with adversity, find something to be grateful for.  Remember, the other person is usually facing demons we know nothing about.  Say a little prayer for them as you walk away, and always count your blessings!  

I Am - 2 Very Powerful Words

As I was working on my website this morning, and I thought about revising my page “About Me”, I wanted to give some very deep consideration to who I Am now compared to who I was when I first began this journey. Actually, I began my journey when I took my first breath, as I truly believe we choose the path we are on before we enter into this physical world. Perhaps our “I Am” changes throughout our life; or is it only our perception of “I Am” that changes as we move forward on our journey, as we get older, as we gain wisdom?

My thoughts then took me down another path of understanding, of how our “I Am” evolves. 

I have been fascinated with the triquetra for many, many years. It is a Celtic symbol representing the phases we as women go through in our lives. It’s the cycle of life, from Maiden, to Mother, and finally, if we are fortunate, to Crone. Further, it’s a symbol of past, present and future, waxing, full and waning moons, and earth, sea and sky. The triquetra is a circle with 3 interconnected loops, representing the circle of life in which we are all connected. 

Maiden ~ Mother ~ Crone

The Maiden is a young carefree girl experiencing all of the wonders of the world through the eyes of innocence. She is creativity, impatience, wonder and delight. The Maiden is the epitome of the saying “dance like no one is watching” but in fact she does not care if anyone is watching. She is free and wild and the spark that begins the journey. She will not be tamed, as there is much to be learned in this phase of her young life. 

 The Mother is the one who brings life, a nurturer, a caretaker. She is sexual energy, fertile and full of life. She is a protector, the guardian. As a mother, she is connected with, and a true force of nature. Like a magician, she is able to manifest the ideas and dreams of the maiden. Where the Maiden is wild in her dance, the Mother brings a flow and natural rhythm to the music. She is akin to a sail that brings the boat safely through the storm and back to the shore. 

In the old days, and as it should be today, the Crone was the most revered of the three. She is the one who has gained great wisdom and knowledge through her own experiences and life lessons. The Crone knows the dance is slowing, and she had earned the right to relax and enjoy the sunset. She is the wise woman who shares her knowledge with the Mother so that it can be passed down through the generations, as it was once passed down to her.  The Crone is also the one who entertains and encourages the wild and carefree nature of the Maiden, allowing her to be true to herself and experience all that nature and the world has to offer. She instills the belief that nothing is out of the Maiden’s reach, if she follows her heart and refuses the words of the naysayer, traveling happily along her own path. 

So as I begin revising my “About Me”  I will keep in mind the phases of my life thus far, the knowledge I have gained, and the idea that “I Am” has never really changed, it’s only grown and evolved as I have, and will most likely continue to do throughout the rest of my life.. at least I hope so.